This simple guide will help you know when to bail before you get the life sucked out of you. For each item under “Unacceptable” there is a counterpart below in the “Acceptable” list that allows you to compare similar occurrences.

Unacceptable:

  • Lies of any kind.
  • Dating you or attempting a relationship while still married.
  • Hurtful anger directed at you.
  • Chronic anger of any kind.
  • Putting you down, derogatory remarks.
  • Ridiculing you in front of others.
  • Refusing to discuss problems in the relationship.
  • Withholding affection or physical contact as punishment.
  • Telling you there are no problems when you have identified one, saying you are crazy for thinking that.
  • Having no interest in your life, career, friends, dreams. Only interested in themselves.
  • Flirting or handling other people in an inappropriate way then saying you are crazy when you bring it up.
  • Not willing to discuss finances in relationship, elusive about money issues.
  • Being chronically late or cancelling things frequently at the last minute.
  • Secretive behaviour that doesn’t make sense.
  • Physical abuse of any kind. (There is no acceptable counterpart below)

Acceptable:

  • Waiting till the appropriate time to tell you something important.
  • Papers are legally filed in divorce court, they are not living with spouse.
  • Situational anger directed at themselves.
  • Infrequent upset with themselves or others.
  • Playful teasing that doesn’t leave you feeling badly.
  • Playful teasing that doesn’t leave you feeling embarrassed.
  • Refusal to discuss problems until they have a chance to think calmly about problems.
  • Withholding physical contact due to a need for some space to process, not ongoing.
  • Truly not understanding the problem but willing to listen and try to understand your side.
  • Being too tired or busy to talk sometimes.
  • Greeting someone with a cheek buff or handshake.
  • Financially open if appropriate.
  • Having to cancel things or be late occasionally due to work or something important.
  • Secretive behaviour around your birthday or other holiday.

Learn to listen to yourself. Don’t settle for any of the above behaviors and don’t look for reasons why the person is that way or make excuses for them. It doesn’t matter if they are a narcissist, if they were abused as children, are a control freak or if they have an alcohol problem. None of that is something you can fix and it does not enhance your life in any way, shape or form. If you really love the person and they get help that sticks and corrects the problem, fine. In my experience, the individuals who exhibit the above unacceptable behaviors are usually not open to change.